Eastwood Cricket Club

Latest guidelines from the ECB (Eastwood Cricket Banter)

You may have become aware of the latest changes issued by the gov regarding Covid Restrictions within Essex and Southend. Southend remains on a medium status (less chips in the meal deal) which means everyone can carry on getting pissed as usual and ignore all warnings apart from having six of everything. Essex on the other hand is on high Alert which means you can carry on as usual but you need to wear a face mask. This includes when in the bath, shower, whilst cleaning your teeth and having sex but not oral sex as that would just be silly and may cause chaffing. The geographic delimiting line for these restrictions just happens to run down the middle of Belfairs social club. This means restrictions are now imposed depending on which side of the bar you are standing. If to the North you can only drink water, not speak and remain completely still at all times wearing a face mask in groups of one. If to the South do what the footballers do which is whatever they like. Our bar maids have now been trained with a medium Tier greeting “what can I get you love….” And a high Tier greeting “get the f… away from me……”

These restrictions have been negotiated with our own Agent C007per. He along with our prime minister Boris Johnson will be monitoring the success of the tiering and enforcing changes where needed. Boris has already said he will use the military where necessary and anyone caught on the North side of the club house with a beer will be taken down the fire escape (if they can get down it without falling through it) lined up against the sight screen and chained to it if anyone can find the key. The local "children" will then be encouraged to stone you with their used nitrous oxide cannisters (no laughing matter). Agent C has been negotiating the settlement for Greater Manchester which includes £60 million and a night out with Liam Gallagher. Mayor Andy Burnham has said there’s no way £60 million will cover the bar bill or the drugs so wants more.

News about Bills future club, Canvey has been put in its own Tier (Extremely High and Who Cares) and will be cast off to float towards the EU as part of Brexit. The French have confirmed it will have to isolate for the next 4 million years upon arrival.

Rumours abound that our very own Kev Robinson and Boris are one of the same person and have never been seen in the same room together. Agent C who knows Boris very well as he does with all these highfaluting chaps was unable to comment as he has signed the official secrets act. Boris clip-cloppiting and neighing around the corridors of number 10 and muttering about 100 ducks have only made matters worse.

Stay Safe and Enjoy lockdown there's always the 100 club to keep us excited and if anyone needs any jigsaw puzzles I’m your man.